master my emotion

One of my first goal I have to accomplish to live my life fully is to master my emotion. Yeah, I wrote yesterday. I cannot repress all of my emotion. It is impossible, but I can overcome some of unnecessary emotion such as fear, grief because it is not based on the reality, but illusion, which I create in my imagination.

For example, I have fear of being abandoned by the group. In school, I feel not good when I make mistakes or did not do as I was told to do. This is fucking stupid.  Why do I have to react in that way for them!? If they abandon me, who cares!? They will not do anything for me in the future. They are working their own interest all the time including family, friends and loved ones. DO NOT RELY ON OTHERS, OR YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED.

Be self-reliant. Focus on what is in our control.

Not only fear, I would like to overcome group think in class. When I am in class, it is like a large group. It is like zoo, some of them are trying to be alpha male and others are trying to follow him. They are working on their own will all the time, and it has its own momentum. When I am in such place, I cannot help my self to be drawn in the atmosphere. As a rational human being, I would like to use reasons, not to feel overwhelmed by the situation and my desire to belong, and fear of being abandoned.

One of the strategy that I came up with yesterday is that I think I belong to the universe, the nature or God, not a certain the group or class. That is formless, and have no personality. It will accept who I am and never judge who I am because it is formless. 

It is kinds of religious, huh?

We, human beings are social animals, and we cannot help feeling to belong to some things or some groups. However, problems arise because these groups are a groups of people, irrational, emotional and selfish. They can easily betray me. They can change any time. In contrast, I feel belong to nature, yeah which change all the time but it is default.

oh. as I write this blog I realized that it is a false to think like that people never change. They constantly change and they can change anytime they want. 

I need to belong to something much larger than little human life. I think this is because religion is so powerful for one's emotional health. Not because they can control people, but it can remove so much emotional stress on people because they feel belong to something larger.

From today, I belong to the nature, and do whatever I can do for them. I use everything I have and capable for the nature, and use every attention and time and power in order to serve the nature, which means as a role of human being. Live as human being and be who I am as a human being whatever happens in my life. I am happy at the end of my life I feel I use everything I have for the nature. I acted the role of human being fully.

It is not easy, but I ought to do it.