2019/09/01 Daily Journal

Hi, yesterday I was busy yesterday, and I could not write this blog.
What happened

I got up around 7 AM, and I did meditation.

I did exercises.

I did not do much yesterday, but I had a great revaluation yesterday.

I had a huge quarrel with my mother. I have had a quarrel with my mother every time I talk with her. I did not know why this always happened. I always felt that I was not understood by her, and she always got upset.

Actually, I assumed that she is a deep narcissists which is written in a book,The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene. 

The characteristic of deep narcissists is that they are so deep self-observed that they are not capable of thinking what others are thinking or feeling, which is a lack of empathy.

The reality was not as simple as what the book says.

I had been trying to understand her, but I could not.

My action and words just deepened her deep narcissistic tenancy.

I was exactly same as the example deep narcissists couple of Leo Tolstoy in the Chapter 2 of The Laws of Human Nature.

In the book, the author explains how each one in a relationship affects deep narcissistic tendency. If one try to understand the other, the other party might soften their resistance because he/she will feel understood.

I tried and tried. She said she never felt understood by me.

Then, why couldn't I understand her. Yes, it is a very difficult task, but I realized one thing that made it much and much more difficult.

Shadow
Shadow is a repressed character of a person.

She had a shadow, and I did not see it because it was repressed.
I think even she did not realize shadow was there, affecting her emotion strongly.

She was a really ambitious and independent person. She said she was like so from very young age. She wanted to be successful in her carrier and independent. However, the reality was very different from what she wanted. My bother and I was born, and both of us were very weak and easily got sick. She wanted to keep working, but quit her job, and she devoted her life for caring us. She scarified her carrier for children, but the result was that she had to give up her dream which she really wanted, ambition.

It became shadow side of her character, which she had to repress.

Now, she is trapped. She wanted to work but she has skin problems and feel powerless because she think she is old and does not have enough carrier to get a job.

These days, I was stressed out because of my worries and insecurities in my life. You know one writing a blog like this is not strong, and I have skin problems and other obstacles in life.

I was talking to her like this

"My life is very hard..."

As I write this, I am sad about myself.

I need to be stronger.

It is the worst word for my mother, who spend most of her time for children.

This words irritated her, and it seems that my lack of understanding of her shadow had made the relationship between us much more difficult. 

As I look back my quarrel with her, there was a slight sign of her shadows.

But it was really subtle.

To really understand others, we need to look for their past and repressed shadow. To focus what is not there.

I have shadows that I try not to reveal to the world.

I am sure others have them too.

What they present in a daily life is persona.

I think some of novels or animes in Japan is very harmful because it tends to make characters sooo simple. It is like put a person into a box. Our psychology is much and much and much more complex than what I used to know.

I think I would like to make a story,by studying a deep psychology of human beings, which is not so simplified like other animes or novels.

so that

People I read or watch my story will realize deep human nature, and use it on their life.

Which will be a work. I really want to read or watch.

One thing I have to keep is to see the reality not illusion.

What do I need to learn?
Writing a story. I would like to write about a story on shadow
psychology
cinematography
Animation

Anime- which a heroine changes suddenly will be interesting.