2019/09/15 Daily Journal

Hi! These days, I am really in deep depression.

I think this is because I started to see deep animal nature of human beings, and dark sides.

I wanted to believe that life was full of hope, beauty and dream, but it was not so simple like Disney movies. I started to see life which I had ignored for a long time. It made me reject these parts of life.

However, I started to think that I need to accept it and live anyway. As Robert Greene says "Denying human nature will not change anything." I have to accept it, Even if it is ugly. I need courage to face the reality, and live a life no matter what.

As I go through these depressed state, a phrase came to my mind from one of my favorite animation artists, Hayao Miyazaki "Ikineba.", which means I have to live.

I am not sure about him, but I begun to understand his thought, and how actually Hayao Miyazaki is. He is deep and thinking about life much and much more than we expected.

I am miserable most of the time, but at least, I can appreciate these great artists who create works which describes his ideas and human nature.

At least, I wanna be the one who does that.

No matter how ugly the life is, I speak the rude truth with my words from my heart.

One of the most sad incident that I had, was when I met the store manage on that day. I was helping another female worker to throw her trash. I could see his face some resentment.

With Hikaru at Toyko, I talked with how man is attracted to women.

One of the strongest attraction is toward those who are below class.

Slaves or coworker.

I thought he had similar attraction toward the female worker.

I confronted the reality.

I wanted to think life full of goodness and joy, but it is not.

Life is full of human nature. It is not only beautiful but dark and real.

I am 23 years old and I have ignored 50 percent of life.

I denied to see it.

we are so complex. we have shadows.

I do not know who I am.

When I operate within certain system, following the routine and habits, I feel controlled, but I am actually not.

I just escape in the shelter from the reality of life, feeling I am OK.

I love stoics, but they are not as simple as it seems.

There are only limited resources about them. I idealize them.

They were not perfect. They also had human nature.

What to do with it, I am not sure about it. At least, I know that I have to live.