What I scared of;;;;

What I scared of is an illusion that I create.

Once I face what I fear, I realize it was not so bad.

Being a failure, disliked by others, making mistakes, not being consistent

By realizing it, I could feel free, unrestrained by opinions of others.

By overcoming fear, I could live freer and become a little bit stronger

to live in this universe

It is a brief moment I exist here.

Do you wanna live fearfully or do you wanna live free.

When you feel any fear tell yourself that it is an opportunity to be stronger.

Face it, embrace it, anything is not meant to be feared

but meant  to be enjoyed and appreciated

This life is a gift from God, every moment and every emotion I feel is a gift.

Life is a gift. There is nothing to be scared of.

Why do we speak and express ideas.

We live in our little world alone, so we just want to share how we see the world. Usually, when a problem arise in interactions with others. It is because of you, being unable to see another person’s perspective. I have to get reminded constantly. I never think about those who cook because I do not cook. I will never understand women because I will never be female, but I think understanding that is    my first step. Without that, I am always in the same place, blaming others not understanding them. Knowing that I do not understand others is the first step to really begin to understand. I am still a child, not understanding anything or anyone. Maybe I never understand anything until I am in the grave, but at least, I can try...try to 20 percent of people or the world or 30 percent of the world. It is more interesting to see the world as a child sees. I am a child now and forever. I am not perfect.

What Singing means to me

I have been stuttered all of my life. I am a stutter. There is a wave how awful I feel about myself.  Sometimes, I feet better about myself. Sometimes I wanna cut my tongue and die.However, I someday realized I never stutter while singing no matter how awful I feel about myself.Singing is a sunlight for me. In singing, I can find my true voice.With rhythm of the music I can forget my fate.By losing myself in the moment, I can be fully myself. 

I want to be a lover of music and songs because I can be myself with them.

to be the lover of music and songs. 

I Just do whatever those 

Love them.

Know them.

Understand them.

Respect them

Think about it all the time

Make them a part of myself.

Just love them all from my heart

Give my life to them 

2019/10/13 Daily Journal

Fear is an illusion that we create in our mind.

Yesterday, I went part-time, and I was so into seducing other women, and I lost my purpose and what to live for.

I lost my independence, needing others and clinging others.

What happens when I am disliked by others.

Nothing, literally nothing!!

I am OK as I am without others.

I would die if I lived in fear of anything.

I hated the feeling of dependence on others so much that I would die if I live like that.

Everyone and each of us just live for their own interest and nothing is wrong with that.

Never depend on others.

2019/10/10 Daily Journal

I had an animation class, and I used to was in a group of three, but I declared independence and tried to be make animation work myself. I feel more freedom and less responsibility and make anything  I want. The freedom is fucking good.

I want to feel from emotional entanglement of others. It will be fucking liberating, including my crush.

See the reality.

1. Self-reliance

2. Corroborate with others to solve problems of the world.

Narcissistic spectrum

Hi, I start to examine myself and start to see sometimes I can think about others, what others want from me and how to act according to nature, and sometimes I think about myself, especially I do not feel understood and I feel insecure.

I thought being insecure is bad. However, I cannot help being insecure sometimes when associate with others who do not listen to me, or think about how I feel. It is not only my problem, but the other way around. 

I realized that it is the essence of human relationships.

The greatest feeling from relationships can come from mutual understanding between people.

People admit their differences and uniqueness each other and corroborating with others.

I think this is deeply ingrained as a social animal.

To focus on yourself, or others. The answer is quite easy, right?

It sometimes happens naturally, but it starts from trying to understand another person's perspective, empathy.

The habit 5 of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is first to seek to understand then to be understand.

You need to be proactive and have initiative to make the first move if you want to influence others. If you live by yourself you will not need empathy. However, we are social animals and need to try to understand other people.

Even though other people have similar human nature, emotion, will to live, you have to be careful they are not YOU.

Each of us has different psychological make-ups and feel and think and take things differently.

We tend to use the same strategy again and again against others.

Even though they are different and constantly changing.

If we take initiative, we have to think about a very unique strategies to deal with each because everyone is unique.

Do not try to use the same strategies from books or others ideas.
Read books to learn about something that may be used, but never think this as an universal laws.

There is nothing correct principle for nature. it is constantly changing.

Immersed in the reality.

For the final word,I have learned that I have to be careful about self reliance and empathy.

Self reliance means that you do not need others in living. It is very important. We have to be independent physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially. We have to have our own ideas and be truthful to myself.

However, it is very different in social situation. In working with people or dealing with people, we have to think about others on what they need or what they want.

We cannot say anything like bad words, saying anything we want, doing something that is unacceptable to others.

The balance is very important. Do not do things I hate even though others are doing.

This is how to be an social animal.

Wow, I realized that what I am writing is exactly what Steven R.Covey says Emotional Bank Account.

I think 7 habits of highly effective people is fucking great.

I need to practice that.

2019/10/09 Daily Journal about the game of the life, and approach life as a writer

It was one of the most terrible and great day in my life in my school life ever because I had so much revelation about life and emotion of others.

I thought I was sensitive of others, but I did not have enough experiences to sense other people's emotions.

It was a very terrible but huge step toward improving skills to understand others.

I realized I did not know anything about human beings and emotions of others, and situations.

OK! Let's get down to the detail.

The Most Anti-seductive Moves

Empathy
:not paying individual attention as an unique human being.

I realized learning about human being is happens in two ways.

I hurt others.

I get hurt by others in the same way.

and on and on and on and on and on

understanding how others feel in a certain situation

and then I can fix my actions.

I have to change my actions next time, so that I do not make the same mistakes again and again and again.

So, I have hurt one person, and I got hurt by another in the exact same way.

My case
In part-time job, I thought I got along with one of the female coworkers. It was for 6 months. However, suddenly she became aloof and defensive toward me. Never smiled back to me, or talk to me. I could feel the defensiveness. I have something in my mind. I had enjoyed the time with other female coworkers. I enjoyed them too much. Talking to them and trying to seduce them. Let's get into her mind in that situation. She will feel that she is being used by me. She will feel betrayed.  She feels that she is not a unique individual.

In other words 

I did not pay individual attention toward her.

I realized it is one of the most anti-seductive quality ever once I was done the same thing to me by another.

To really get along with her, I have to prove myself. I have to change my behavior.

And I am doing this to my crush many and many and many times.

Fuck me. Never think she loves me for that.

I was the worst seducer in history.

Casanova was one of the greatest seducer in history because he focused attention only on one woman, making her special and important.  

I think everyone wants to feel that way, and craving for that.

In school, there is a woman I get along with. She is a dandy, and good at getting along with other men. It seems she likes accompanies of men than women. She is surrounded by other men. I do not know why but she gives me gifts and talk to me even though I am a shy guy who does not like to approach others. 

The attention was really strong and I started to get attracted by her, but she still keeps talking to other men and it started to irritate me.

"Is she really trying to connect? or she is just using me for her benefit."

On that day, I entered the room, talking to other guys in class. This irritated me so much, and there were others things in life about animation, which made me deep narcissistic and thinking about ME and ME and ME!!

True love and understanding does not come from this way.

This comes from trying to understand other people's perspective.

This is a muscle to develop.

I think seduction I want is very different to seducing others to gain sex. I wanna feel others feel understood and love and the most important, special, and also I wanna feel special and important. 

This should be mutual, not one way or around.

Another thing I realized was that people including me is very fragile. A very small thing like saying hi, smile, laughter, attention or just to talk and listen is very essential. 

This is a human nature, and I love the feeling of being understood.

Another experience I feel is when making an animation work in class.
What happening in making an animation work is that I work very hard for improving my work better and making my work. Expressing myself is one of the greatest and important things in my life. One of my members seem talk about my work behind their back. I felt terrible about that. I am a human being. I do not want to be with those who say shit about important things in life.

Again, I do not feel understood by others, and this makes me worse and worse.

Individual attention is the key in seduction

What can I do from now? I try to understand other people's perspective, and deal with the situation, and others do not respond to me in a way that I expected. 

Just use No deal. 

Win-Win is the only way to a good relationship.

Put my mind into other people and deal with the problems of life

No one is wrong. It is for sure that everyone has different perspective.

Fooooo

Writing this made me somewhat feel better.

I think journal is one of the great habits one can have. It makes me see life and everything from objective judgement like a writer, and I am proud of me, keeping doing this. Little by little by little, I start to improve my awareness, Which will lead to mastery over myself.

Dealing with people is one of the greatest skill that one can have.

no one is better or worse.